


when i die, would you watch me

by ioucos



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Angst, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lowercase, Pre-Rebellion Story, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 20:43:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14528796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioucos/pseuds/ioucos
Summary: when i die i'll pack my bags, move somewhere more affordableisn't life horrible? i think that life is horrible(or; life without madoka)





	when i die, would you watch me

“m–doka,” she whispered some days, wistfully and mournfully

wistfully, for the life she had once had

mournfully, for she could never have it again

the fellow magical girls of mitakihara thought her mad

“its just a ribbon,” she knew they said when she was not there

“there is nothing else to it”

(oh, but there was, there was was was – for was there not nothing without m–doka, no smiles, no joy, no _meaning_ )

how much of the concern in tomoe’s single “akemi-san” was false? she liked to think it was all of it, but deep down she knew that it was not and that made it all so much more difficult

there were no tears left to her – they had all been shed early on, and now, everything was just gray (like a still photograph, like _frozen time_ )

so what if she sometimes turned to certain methods to atone for her constant, _cyclical_ failures? for what of her magic was expended on accelerated healing, she had the grief seeds ( _cubes_ , she reminded herself fiercely. the old world was dead, and with it the only thing that had ever mattered to her) to spare

it was such a horrible cycle that had replaced the old one

she fell into despair so easily, like simply closing one’s eyes and tipping backwards

and as she saw her soul gem darken, a singular hope and excitement pulsed in her chest, for at last! she would see m–doka again

and that chased the darkness away

it was hell

she couldn’t escape

and nobody would _understand_

tomoe couldn’t understand – “put it down, akemi-san,” she always called to her, something akin to fear brimming in her golden eyes (but not quite the right shade of it)

“but i must see Her,” she desperately cried, “there’s nothing left here for me, tomoe”

“we have a duty to fight the wraiths – we can’t give in until we are gone,” she replied

what she really meant, homura knew, was _please don’t leave me alone here_

and something in her for just a moment, some fragment of a spark of sympathy she had believed long-faded, reared its horrid, ugly head

and she was left back again at square one

(she didn’t understand _why_ , but she did the same for mami)

it was such a vicious cycle, the way the two of them lived (for they were two desperate, lonely girls, and as such they fit together) but they could not escape

her wounds could not heal

she was here

they were alone together

sometimes they wished that they could just leave it all behind in a positive way, and live

but they were both trapped

(it was a little better than being alone)

but she still needed to _die_


End file.
